Am I gay?

You have a girlfriend? 

So you’re a lesbian?

When did you know you were gay? 

What did your family think?

If this is the first post you are reading, on this blog then yes, I do have a girlfriend, her name is Marthe and we write this blog together. It’s a place for us to share our travel stories, our struggles and triumphs of being in a long distance relationship and place to share positive vibes. 

When did I know I was gay? 

I remember having lots of friends at school, both boys and girls. Some boys I wanted to kiss, most of them I didn’t. Some girls I liked and others I liked to be close to. All of these thoughts back then were the innocent feelings of a young girl growing up. 

It wasn’t until I was 14 that I first heard of two girls being together. I had a friend in my dance school who was proud to tell everyone she was bi-sexual. She openly talked about the girls she kissed at weekend parties and I was fascinated. I started to view her in a different way, wanting to be the girl she kissed at the party. Eventually, it did happen, with this same girl. A house party with no parents around, we made our way to an empty bedroom, where she told me she had fancied me for a while, then pressed her lips to mine …. my first girl kiss. 

A few years later my best friend started a relationship with a girl, the three of us would always hang out together. They were both like big sisters to me and being around their relationship so much I never saw it as anything different, never saw the difference between gay and straight. They went through the same up’s and down’s as any other teenage relationship and I loved them both as friends. 

First Girl Crush

Everyone remembers their first crush … not the crush on a famous singer or film-star, I mean your first real crush. 

Mine was a girl a few years older than me. We had become close at school and one day she told me that she had feelings for me. Before that moment, I had never considered that I may have feelings for her too. All I knew is that I thought she was beautiful, I loved being around her and I missed her on the days I didn’t see her. 

I don’t remember thinking about being gay, I just know I felt so happy knowing that she felt the same way. We would spend all our time together and talk on the phone most nights. At some point, I wanted to kiss her but nothing ever happened between us. She couldn’t do it. She could tell me her feelings but she could never allow herself to act on them. She didn’t want people to know and even got a boyfriend during this time. 

This was the first time I considered that these feelings may not be right. That liking another girl could be wrong and that you shouldn’t let other people know. 

First Love

I guess if I had to pick a moment, this would probably be it. The first time I fell in love was at age 16. 

I fell in love with a girl. 

From that moment I stopped looking at guys in the street, stopped hoping that guys would notice me, stopped imagining myself with a husband. 

That love was so pure, so true. How could these feelings ever be wrong? We kept our love a secret for a little while, not because we were ashamed, but because we were so confused by our own emotions. We didn’t want friends to think of us differently, didn’t want things to change because of how we felt. 

Eventually it was public and we loved each other openly and beautifully. 

This relationship became my benchmark, the point by which I measured my feelings for every other partner to follow. 

I’m a lesbian

My next relationship was with a guy. I know! Not what you expected. I met a guy and we liked each other a lot. This actually confused me more than when I had realised I liked girls. I had become comfortable with my identity and having feelings for a guy made things more confusing. We weren’t together long, in the end, he didn’t come anywhere near the benchmark. 

I think this is when I consciously realised I was gay. 

I realised that the love I had found with a woman was beyond anything I could imagine having with a man. Not because it’s not possible, it just wasn’t possible for me. 

Coming out

The movies show the family sitting around the dining table as the child turns to their parents and says “Mum, Dad, I have something to tell you”. This isn’t how it happened for me. 

It was a gradual discovery for most of my friends and family. Telling my cousins that my best friend was in fact my girlfriend. Friends just showing me their acceptance without any judgement. However, I do have two very clear memories. 

Telling my Dad

It was after my first relationship had ended, two years later. Dad had no idea that the relationship had even happened until one night, heartbroken and home-sick I called him in floods of tears. I confessed to him that my best friend of the past 2 years had in fact been my girlfriend and that we had broken up and I was so sorry that I hadn’t told him.

His response was to get in his car the next day and drive the 4 hour journey to my college to surprise me with a hug. 

This is the acceptance I wish all children could receive from their parents. 

Telling my Brother

My brother is 9 years older than me and always been someone I looked up to, especially back then. The year of my 17th birthday he came to stay with me at home for a week whilst Mum and Dad were on holiday. It had been several years since we had spent this much time together, but we had always stayed close. 

Eventually one night I built up the courage to tell him. 

“Nick, I think I’m a lesbian” 

“I know”

Apparently it wasn’t a secret to everyone. Nick passed away suddenly and unexpectedly less than a week later. 

 All of these experiences have bought me to where I am today. To a place where I have been able to accept my own sexuality without judgement or criticism. I have learned the depths of my love and the capacity to which I can love another person. The importance of never hiding your true self from anyone especially those close to you, because ultimately they are the ones who often know you before you do.

Whilst we live in a society that finds comfort in labels like gay, straight, trans, queer. Writing this post has taught me that my story wasn’t about “coming out”… 

This is the story that ensured I would find My Soulmate. 

Tash T

I currently live in London, working all over the UK as a performer and a presenter. I have a passion for writing and love sharing my experiences with others.