Common (lesbian) relationship problems.

Being in a lesbian relationship can be so much fun! We understand each other’s feelings, we can watch chick flicks together, talk for hours and wear each other’s clothes. There are also many relationship problems that can sneak in before you are even aware of them. Especially when you live together, it can be easy to create “bad” habits. Keep reading to see if any of these relate to you. 

The Lesbian Urge to Merge 

It’s so much fun becoming almost the same person, or is it? Having the same style of clothing, doing everything together, adopting a dog, living together as soon as possible, what is there to do together? This can be cute but also dangerous. As women we often love to snuggle and be all soppy together, but you should still keep your own identity. You are two different people, you don’t have to merge into one person to be happy together. 

The lesbian urge to merge doesn’t count for every couple, but it’s a cliche for a reason. It’s important to have your own hobbies and maintain your own social life. That way you can miss each other, making your time together, even sweeter. 

Drama Queens

Two women in a house means two times the drama. Whether it’s true or not, drama is usually linked to a woman. Again I would like to say this may not apply to you but most girls have their periods, and with periods come hormones. Be aware of each other’s cycles because this can make a big difference. I (Marthe) have PMS (premenstrual syndrome) and feel super snappy, dramatic and sad both before and during my period. Tash knows this so she tries not to take my mood swings too seriously or personally. Her patience is definitely tested at this time and I try to control my bitchy reactions. 

I hate you, I love you

Every couple argues, please know that. If a couple says they never do, I’m always surprised. It’s completely normal and sometimes it’s just good to know that you are not the only one. I have experienced being in a relationship with both men and women. 

Being with a woman means that we argue more, but more about the small stuff. Not because there is a lack of communication, trust or understanding each other. It’s more about the day to day things, like house chores, feelings and other minor stuff. 

Try in these moments to stay calm, try not to go from 0 to a 100 in seconds, believe me it’s just not worth it. Kissing and making up is nice, but it’s even nicer when you don’t have to apologise for being unnecessarily mean. You slowly learn how to bicker with patience, respect each other in an argument and then to feel proud afterwards. 

I did this, so you have to …

In every relationship this can be a problem. In Dutch we say; ‘voor wat, hoort wat’, which means for something, has to come something in return. This is a sneaky one, because I do it too and I think everyone does. Sometimes I do something extra because I want to spoil Tash and then afterwards I’m annoyed when she doesn’t thank me enough.

You do things out of love and some gestures will never be completely balanced. For example Tash usually cooks and does the laundry, I do the washing up and clean. Is this totally even if you compare it in time, probably not, but that’s not the point. Also be aware of when you start to take things for granted. I’m used to Tash doing the laundry, so I just expect her to do it, so perhaps i’m not so grateful anymore. Be aware and compliment each other!

Lesbian Death Bed

Eek, that sounds scary right! I recently learned about this term and I found it quite shocking that we have our own term for it. It is the concept that lesbians in a relationship have less sex than any other gender couple. The longer that relationship lasts, the less sex there is. It said that if women feel safe and secure in a relationship, the drive for sex becomes less. They still like to cuddle and snuggle, but it ends there. 

I like to think otherwise, but I also think that in any relationship there is a difference in sex when you just start dating to living together for a few years. Still sex is very important for a couple, it’s a way to connect, to be intimate,  to love and show each other that love. Oxytocin is released during sex, which makes you feel close to your partner and increases affection. Also dopamine is released which can make you feel high. So sex away my fellow lesbians! 

A lesbian can forgive, but never forgets 

Girls are masters at remembering everything! “O yeah, I was wearing this on our third date to the cinema”. I don’t know how we do it, but we also tend to remember the bad stuff. So when an argument comes up, the rest gets dragged up as well. When Tash and I were in a LDR, I didn’t show up on our virtual date night one time, big mistake I know. This also means that every time something like this comes up, Tash likes to remind me of this day. She has already forgiven me a long time ago, but it still comes up in conversation. So be aware of this ladies, don’t drag up the past when it’s not necessary. Ps baby, I love you! 😉 

I’m always right… Sometimes 

Girls can be really stubborn, so can Tash and I. We like to be right and we will battle our way to get there. Tash is quick, smart and her English is of course amazing. Sometimes in arguments she will totally win by being so quick witted. It frustrates me a lot. I am very stubborn and proud, so I won’t easily admit that she is right. She doesn’t like to do the same either. I think maybe twice in a year she has confessed that I was right about something and Oh I wish I had recorded it. 

Anyway, is it always worth it to get it your way? You will always be two different people and we view the world in different ways. Someone else’s right will be someone else’s wrong. Therefore we need to be patient with one another and keep our mind clear. Let go of your ego for once. Is it worth the fight? Try to see it from the other persons perspective, you might learn something as a result of it. 

Put your phone down! 

Social media is great but also addictive. Make sure you spend real time with your partner and not just beside each other on the phone. Quality time is so important so if it helps make up some rules. No phones at the dinner table, no phones when you are watching a movie together, no phones when you wake up in the morning and have cuddle time. 

When your work revolves around your phone, like us, you have to agree to have some other rules as well. When we go somewhere we will film content in the beginning so we can enjoy the rest of the day. Make the rules so you both feel comfortable. In the beginning I could be really annoyed with Tash being on her phone so much, but she was working as a freelancer, so everything comes through her phone. Now I know better so I have more patience and understanding. Just make sure you still make time for each other, especially when you live together. It’s so easy to get into certain habits and not spend real time together. Plan date nights and still surprise each other!

At the end of the day, every relationship is about communication, respect and patience. Quiet your ego so you can listen to each other, and be honest. In the end she is not your rival but your teammate and cheerleader! 

If you want to learn more of our relationship tips and tricks (not just for lesbian relationships). You can also read our blog post all about LDR Relationships, as well as listening to our Podcast!

Marthe

Originally from Amsterdam, I am now living in London with Tash, after we finally ‘Broke the Distance’. I love travelling and want to visit as many places as possible.