Breaking the Stigma: Lesbian & Gay

This week is the start of Pride Month and the start of our campaign ‘Breaking The Stigma’. Pride started with the Stonewall Riots, that took place in New York, June 1969. When Marsha P Johnson a black, transgender woman stood up against police brutality towards the LGBTQ+ community.

We have achieved a lot since this time, but 51 years later we are still living in a less than perfect world. Whilst Covid-19 is holding the world in it’s grip, we are battling with severe racism and homophobia. As an inter-racial, gay couple we feel like it is our responsibility to ‘Stand Up’ once more. To be loud and proud! Our hope is that ‘Breaking The Stigma’ can educate and support, create visibility and encourage us come together as one community.

This week is dedicated to the ‘L’ and ‘G’ of the LGBTQIA+ alphabet. We have six amazing influencers that have shared their personal story. Here are the stories of Keith, Mana, Aisha, Jan and Eric, Rita and Thomas

Keith

How do you identify yourself? Queer
Country of residence? United States
Single/relationship? Single

How would you describe your coming out story?

I think my coming out story could be a short novel! It was filled with a series of personal revelations and surprises until I ultimately came out at the age of 19. As a kid, I had always been pretty shy and religious (was raised in the Black Baptist church). It all came to a head during my freshman year of college when I was away from home. I had a work-study job and was in an office with a very conservative “Christian” woman. Who used to privately tell me horrible things about our our supervisor (a Jewish woman) and also queer people (she didn’t know I was queer). After hearing her claims and attending some meetings with a queer Bible study group, I started unravelling contradictory arguments I had interpreted about the Bible and soon began shifting away from what I believed.

I ultimately came out to my roommate, the first person I ever told, and he accepted it without any issues. But surprisingly — he would actually be coming out to me months later, revealing his “friend” studying abroad in Japan was his boyfriend. To this day, we are still good friends and cherish our coming out stories. My family was incredibly accepting as well, including my grandmother, who I’m very close to, and was one of the first people to embrace me when I came out.

Can you be openly gay where you live?

Yes. I live in New York City here in the United States, and I am grateful to be able to be open about my identity without a second thought. I love that NYC is an oasis of vibrant and diverse LGBTQ+ communities around the city, and that there are so many spaces and events to connect with one another. However, I recognise that this is a privilege and am mindful of my queer siblings throughout the world who struggle and are marginalised. Lacking the basic legal protections and cultural affirmation to be open. I’m always thinking of them and supporting their rights and liberation.

Have you ever experienced homophobia firsthand?

(Content Warning) On July 22, 2014 in Oslo, Norway I was in an anti-gay attack involving three men. I was sitting alone in a public park in the afternoon, and two men spotted me. One of them asked me out of the blue if I was gay and when I said “yes”, they began to punch and kick me. I fought back and held my ground, but another man came with a glass bottle and shattered it over my head. I had to get stitches on my head and eyebrow and the incident made the news. A police report was filed and I had to testify against the men who attacked me.

They were caught in a number of hours, and I’m thankful for Norway’s robust system of legal protections and healthcare in defense of hate crimes. However, the situation was very jarring, unreal and it exposed inequities in Norway including xenophobia (the men who attacked me were Somali immigrants) that I had never expected. There was also little visibility around the attack beyond it being a news story, even among the LGBTQ+ community there. It only demonstrates that anti-LGBTQ+ bias and violence is everywhere and that all of our struggles are connected, and the need to speak out and dismantle them, even in countries perceived as “safe”, like Norway.

How did being gay influence your life in a positive way?

Being queer has made me fall in love with myself, in the best possible way. From being extremely shy and insecure, my coming out was the beginning of the trajectory in coming into my own and all of my identities, including as a Black person, as a traveler, etc. It also exposed me to other sub communities, therein exposing me to different types of music, movies, spaces and other cultural experiences.

Most important, it’s allowed me to meet my closest friends, many of who also identify as LGBTQ+, and live all over the world. I think in the past LGBTQ+ people have been forced to turn to their own inner resilience, which has helped ground us. But I am also incredibly moved to see that people are coming out at much younger ages and that the definitions of what it means to be LGBTQ+ are expanding. That the visibility of our communities is so powerful and that we are changing history, shifting systems and shaping critical thought, culture, policy change and justice movements in really profound and distinct ways.

What LGBTQ+ causes are you passionate about?

At the moment, my heart is in solidarity with all of my other Black gay, bi, lesbian, trans, and gender-expansive / non-binary friends in the United States who are affected emotionally by the threats to our livelihoods and brutality against us as a people (especially by the police).

I am particularly attuned to the struggles of our trans and gender-expansive / non-binary members of our community as a whole, who continue to be marginalized in the U.S. and around the world. As a citizen of the world, my heart is always in solidarity and in support of those in countries where being LGBTQ+ or even being associated with it is officially or unofficially banned, or seen as taboo and carries threats to one’s livelihood. Whenever I travel, I try to build community with them and if possible, support local events, bars and organizations and uplift work happening in their communities, some of which are underground.

Find Keith at: @blackhattravels

Click here for his:

WEBSITE
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Mana

How do you identify yourself? Lesbian
Country of residence? Hawaii
Single/Relationship? Relationship

How would you describe your coming out story?

Overall, I’d describe my coming out story as a positive and supportive one. When I came out I started small. I told some close friends which was honestly terrifying. Some of them took it well, others were not as supportive. 

When I came out to my parents, I started talking about National Coming Out Day in college and all it’s festivities. Whilst returning home in the car for fall break. I said to them, “speaking of coming out … I want to come out to you”. My instinct was that they would be supportive, but it was still scary. I’m so thankful to have their support and love. Over time I told more family and friends. Coming out allowed me to see who my true friends and family were. It’s become easier every time! Coming out is something LGBTQ+ people have to do on a regular basis, but I know that every time I come out I get stronger and it gets easier. 

Can you be openly gay where you live?

Yes, I am super thankful to be in a place where I can be openly gay and have legal protection. It’s also legal to get married and that makes my heart so happy. Hawaii is a great place to be openly gay! I can hold my partner’s hand without fear and kiss her in public. I feel very fortunate to have this.

Have you experienced homophobia first hand?

I have been fortunate to not experience a lot of homophobia first hand. I have experienced uncomfortable looks, quiet comments from strangers, and homophobic comments and DMs on my instagram page. 

How did being gay influence your life in a positive way?

Being gay has opened me up to an amazing community online and in real life. Seeing other lesbians/queer couples makes me happy. I’ve been using Instagram to connect with our amazing community and I’ve made some great friendships! Quick story: my girlfriend and I were once sitting on the beach, when we were approached by another girl saying she appreciated seeing another lesbian couple on Maui, while she was on vacation with her partner and her family here. We talked to her and her partner on the beach for a little while. That moment really stuck out to me because we [queer community] are all connected. It’s like one big family of people that lives globally! I seriously love our community! 

What LGBTQ+ causes are you passionate about? 

I am very passionate about sex education. In the US, some people can have restricted, limited, or no access to good sex education. While this may not be the case for everyone, there’s definitely a high percentage of individuals not learning about safer sex, and that includes LGBTQ+ safe sex. I’ve taken this passion and have started working for a nonprofit that provides testing, counseling and education to individuals about safer sex practices. A large percentage of the clients I work with are within the LGBTQ+ community. Sex is something that’s completely normal and shouldn’t be stigmatised, including safer sex.

Find Mana at: @manacs1

Aisha

How do you identify yourself? Lesbian
Country of residence? UK

Single/Relationship? Relationship

How would you describe your coming out story?

I was not ready for when I came out, but I am glad it happened. It all happened when I was in the early months of a relationship, at university. I had initially introduced my ex-partner to my family as a friend because I was taking baby steps towards building the courage
to come out. But on the second visit, my parents invited my “friend” and I to one of our regular days out to watch a Tottenham Hotspur football match. Everyone was in a great mood and I can vividly remember how much it felt like a good time to speak with my mum once we were alone. When the moment occurred, my mum asked me straight away whether my friend was more than a friend. It totally caught me by surprise, but I thought it was the perfect opportunity to just tell her. So I did. My mum reacted much better than I ever imagined, and I was beyond relieved. I felt like running on the pitch to scream ‘I am gay’ to the whole world (N:B It is not advisable to do so lol).

Can you be openly gay where you live?

I feel very thankful that in the UK, I can live as my true self.  But sadly, it is not the case in the countries where my roots are. I grew up in Nigeria in my early years and I also have the other half of my family in Ghana. Being queer in either of these countries is punishable by imprisonment and/or death. Whilst most of the world isolates due to Covid-19, in northern
Nigeria, gay people are currently being hunted imprisoned and tragically two have been killed.

Have you ever experienced homophobia first hand?
I did experience homophobia on more than one occasion when I was living in Norwich. Norwich was not diverse or open-minded as it is now. I had to tackle with both homophobia and racism.

How did being gay influence your life in a positive way?
Being gay is only part of who I am and by accepting my sexuality, it allowed me to be confident and comfortable in my own skin. It made me feel further prepared to face the other challenges that life throws at me.

What LGBTQ+ causes are you passionate about?
I am passionate LGBTQ+ causes that champion integration, diversity & equality. I started a social enterprise called Moonlight Experiences to help LGBTQ+ travellers and support our Queer communities in different cities. Alongside this, I am also a team member of UK Black Pride and London Queer Fashion Show.

Find Aisha at:
@moonlight_experiences
@aisha_shaibu_

Jan & Eric

How do you identify yourself? Gay
Country of residence? Germany

How would you describe your coming out story?

Jan: Both of our coming out stories went pretty well. I came out to my parents about a month after Eric and I were official. We are and still lived a four hour drive from my parents. There was not really the need to tell them, but I did’t want to hide something that is such a big part of my life. So I visited and after a few days of struggling I eventually came out to them. They were both pretty relaxed, though they needed some time to get used to it. They met Eric a few months later, since then we couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Eric: It took me a really long time to come out to my family. I grew up in a little village with no connection to the gay community. So I was always hiding and not accepting myself. After I graduated I left my village and moved to a much bigger and gay-friendly city. After a few months I met my first boyfriend there, but my family didn’t know this. At some point I was spending several weeks at my parents house, but I really wanted to go back to my boyfriend. My dad asked me why I didn’t want to stay any longer. That’s when I told him and he was completely fine. I then told my mum right away and my sisters. They were all pretty relaxed.

Can you be openly gay where you live?

We are very fortunate to live in Germany. Where we can be openly gay, at least compared to other parts of the world. We can get married and even adopt kids (that’s still a very long process we’ve heard). We hold hands and even sometimes kiss in public, although we always check first if we’re in a safe environment. Although, we probably should be more open and visible, so people see homosexuality as normal. Until now we have never had a problem in our work environment either. Our experience is that everyone in Germany is pretty open about same sex relationships.

Have you ever experienced homophobia first hand?

We have experienced very little homophobia so far. There are less than a handful of incidents, where we were called names, but nothing physical fortunately. As we said before, we are quite cautious of where and how much we show in public.

How did being gay influence your life in a positive way?

We are very happy to be part of this loving and open community. That is also the best thing of sharing some of your life online. You get to know so many new people, whether online or sometimes in person. By sharing your thoughts and comparing them with others, it makes your view of the world so much wider. That is probably true for most influencers, but it’s especially fun in this colourful community. After our coming outs we could finally be who we wanted to be. There was no hiding anymore and that’s the most powerful gift: To live as a free person!

What LGBTQ+ causes are you passionate about?

We are passionate to increase visibility and acceptance for everyone who is struggling with their sexuality, as we have in our past. This is the reason we started our Instagram. We wanted to show how normal the relationship of two gay men is – while hoping that the term gay and homosexuality loses some of its outlandishness. We just want to be here and show that one gay kid out there, that he is not alone and there is a future full of love and happiness.

Find Jan & Eric: @couplemilestogo

Rita

How do you identify yourself? Lesbian

Country of residence? Japan

Single/Relationship? Single

How would you describe your coming out story?

My coming out story was quite the surprise for my family and friends because I never openly said I was a lesbian. I got accepted into a college that was 4-5hrs from my hometown. It was like a magic trick honestly lol and one of the happiest days of my life. I could finally have the freedom to be myself. I left for college, as this sweet Christian girl and the next time everyone saw me I was this woman loving girl who needed to find Christ again smh lol. That’s how my family viewed it at least.

Can you be openly gay where you live?

Currently, here in Japan yes, but they still have several limitations on rights, but seem to be making small strides in the right direction. My home state Georgia, yes also, but it’s a very southern state and in some areas white supremacy is evident.

Have you ever experienced homophobia first hand?

Yes, from my family. They always assumed what I was, was being caused by losing faith and being influenced by devilish antics. Lol I still laugh about that.

How did being gay influence your life in a positive way?

It allowed me to be comfortable in my own skin. I found courage and confidence to hold my head high and not be ashamed of who I am. 

What LGBTQ+ causes are you passionate about?

Equality worldwide, as there are still countries that being open about LGBTQ+ is punishable by death and spreading more awareness about hate and violence crimes against transgender.

Find Rita at: @sherita_hollis_

Thomas

How do you identify yourself? Gay
Country of residence? UK Single/Relationship? Relationship

How would you describe your coming out story?

I came out while in my first year of university and it was definitely a gradual process. First, I came out to my university friends, then school friends and then family. I was drunk when I told my parents which in hindsight wasn’t the best idea but definitely gave me the confidence I needed. They were very loving and supportive of me, I am very fortunate to have such loving parents.

Can you be openly gay where you live?

I live in London which is a very gay city I am very lucky I can be free to be myself here.

Have you ever experienced homophobia first hand?

I went to an all boys school growing up and of course it was rife with homophobia. I felt like as a slightly effeminate male I stood out from the pack and was often teased for being camp/gay. It was a tough time but by sixth form a lot of the homophobia stopped.

How did being gay influence your life in a positive way?

I couldn’t imagine living life any other way. If I wasn’t gay I wouldn’t have met my beautiful boyfriend. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

What LGBTQ+ causes are you passionate about?

In the UK we have a charity called the Albert Kennedy Trust who work with getting LGBTQ+ homeless off the streets. 1/3 homeless are LGBTQ+ so charities like Albert Kennedy are essential.

Find Thomas at: @thomashbeck

YOUTUBE

What next?

Please feel free to connect with any of the people you have read about in todays post. It’s only by hearing each others stories that we can truly learn about the people in our community.

Stay tuned for next weeks post, where will be learning more about what it means to identify as Bi or Pansexual.

You can read our coming out stories here … Tash & Marthe. You can also listen to our most recent Podcast, on Spotify. Where we are talking all about what else is to come this month.