Welcome Back! This is the final post in our ‘Breaking the Stigma’ series. This week we wanted to focus on some of the lesser known identities within the LGBTQIA+ community. Exploring how, many people in our community no longer define themselves by just one label. Instead using terms like Gender-fluid, Genderqueer and Agender.
How do you identify? I identify as queer/lesbian and genderqueer
Age? I’m 21
Country of residence? UK
Relationship status? I’m currently in a relationship with my girlfriend Mary.
So I myself am still trying to figure this one out. It describes someone who’s gender exists outside of what’s stereotypically expected. So they could identify as both male and female at different times or at the same time. They may identify as neither or fluctuate between the two. That’s why to me I like the fact that it’s not limiting because going through that can be quite confusing and it is easy for your experience to feel invalidated. Then typically people want to put a label on you. So I like that it’s a broad term that encapsulates different things. I believe it really allows gender to be viewed as fluid.
The main stigma that I’ve faced as a genderqueer person is mostly from family members. They often joke about the way I present myself or feel that I shouldn’t express myself the way I want to because it’s not appropriate, such as wearing masculine clothing. I also experience stigma in the work place or for a special occasion as I’d be terrified to dress up in a non feminine way because it is viewed as strange or informal. I also sometimes feel like I’m not feminine enough or because I can be quite feminine sometimes, I’m not entitled to label myself as genderqueer.
Recently I’ve allowed myself to explore other aspects of my identity and it has felt so freeing and incredible. I just wish I had that confidence to be who I want to be all round.
It’s given me a sense of freedom because I’ve allowed myself to be open about who I am. It takes pressure off me and removes expectations associated with one gender or the other.
I feel accepted within the LGBTQIA+ community but not necessarily as genderqueer. Because I’m still figuring myself out, I feel like I shouldn’t be open or be a spokesperson on this. I sometimes fear how people will interact with me. I feel accepted in terms of my sexuality as a lesbian or queer person, however I’m not so confident when it comes to being accepted as genderqueer. There’s a complexity surrounding it, genderqueer and non-binary folk are often questioned or scrutinised about their identity and how they present themselves at any given moment. They may be judged based on whether or not they have an outwardly ambiguous gender, whether they look particularly masculine or particularly feminine.
I’d like to see less pressure on expecting everyone to conform to labels as a whole. We all have such unique experiences as people, so we are bound to sometimes fall outside the box and that should be considered as valid and completely fine! Hetero people are already scrutinising you and boxing you off and that is so divisive, we should accept people as they are, whether we personally understand where they are coming from or not.
When you’re genderqueer you’re used to not really fitting into these boxes and so it would be great to see that representation more in LGBTQIA+ spaces. You don’t even see a lot of black lesbian representations, let alone black genderqueer folk. It’s something that is beautiful and something that needs to be celebrated. Even though queers still occupy these spaces so much, there is so little diversity broadcasted. It needs to be shown that there is not a ‘one shoe fits all’ boundary when it comes to your identity. Then perhaps more people would feel inspired to come forward with their personal experience or share what they do or don’t resonate with. It would promote self-acceptance which is very important in achieving peace of mind.
Instagram: @jasandmary
How do you identify yourself? Gender fluid Lesbian
Age? 24
Country of residence? USA
Relationship status? In a relationship with my wonderful girlfriend of 3 years!
My non-binary journey was very tangled, long, and confusing. When I first started getting hints that I wasn’t a cis woman, I had recently come out as a lesbian. It really scared me, to not know whether my new gender feelings would negate my lesbian identity. When I didn’t even know what I was feeling, since I hadn’t yet heard of the term ‘non-binary’, or even that it can be an umbrella for so many other identities.
It’s no secret that we live in a very binary world, but for a while, it was a secret to me that it was possible to live beyond this. All I knew was that I no longer felt like a woman, but I knew I didn’t feel like a man either.
If that wasn’t enough … as quickly as my non-binary gender feelings began, they went away, and suddenly I felt connected to womanhood again. This confused me even more. Was I faking those feelings? Was I confused? What was happening to me?
For a few months after this, I felt very solidly like a woman, but then the disconnect came back again. This time, I decided to look deeper into it and do as much research as I could. This mostly came in the form of watching YouTube videos from trans and non-binary creators, hoping that I would find something in their experiences that resonated with my own.
After hours and hours of research, I finally cracked the surface of non-binary-ness, and discovered all of these amazing sub-terms to describe identities that aren’t solely male and/or female. It was then that I found the term ‘Gender fluid’. It was almost immediately that I connected with this term, and all of a sudden, my experiences made sense.
I wasn’t confused or making up my feelings, the reason my gender identity seemed to shift these few times is because it is quite literally fluid! I do not live solely as a non-binary person, or solely as a woman, or solely as anything in between. Sometimes I feel non-binary, sometimes I feel genderless, sometimes I feel like a mix of a few different genders. None of this is wrong or impossible. It’s just who I am!
Because I look like a cis woman, I am often solely treated as such, especially in non-LGBTQ+ spaces. I don’t always feel comfortable outright sharing my identity, or correcting people when they call me a woman.
On one hand, this is definitely a privilege, as I don’t face direct hate for being gender-fluid. But on the other hand, it makes me sad that people automatically assume I am a binary woman. This bothers me to different degrees, depending on what part of the gender spectrum I currently identify with.
This very binary world really isn’t set up to accommodate non-binary people, unless people specifically work to do so. Most restaurants and buildings have men’s or women’s bathrooms, not gender neutral bathrooms. Most forms that ask for gender make you choose solely between “male” and “female”. If I’m not presented with a non-binary or ‘other’ option, I typically choose the “female” option, but only because I was assigned female at birth. However, this isn’t truthful or authentic to myself and I wish that I could always choose the option that most accurately correlates with my identity.
Being non-binary has influenced me in the most positive way possible. I spent the majority of my teenage years trying to fit myself into the cis, straight narrative and world. I dated men and dressed and acted the way that women are “supposed” to act. My body and identity never felt right in these spaces and for the longest time, I assumed that meant there was something wrong with me.
However, now that I fully understand myself. I realise that I was uncomfortable in traditional women’s roles, spaces, clothes, etc. because I was not a woman. I don’t have to change myself one bit to better “it in”, because there is no set way to look or be non-binary.
Of course, there’s no set way to be any gender, but society heavily dictates what is “normal” and “appropriate” for men and women. In a way that it doesn’t for non-binary people because it doesn’t really recognise non-binary identities.
Being non-binary means I am completely, 100% free to be myself and do what makes me feel good. Since coming out as gender-fluid, I have felt so much peace and comfort with myself. I wish that teenage Zoe could have felt this happy and free from self-hatred. But what matters most is that I feel this way right now, and so long as I continue being my authentic self, I will keep feeling free.
For the most part, I do feel accepted within the LGBTQ+ community. Especially in my virtual Instagram communities, people seem to be really open to the possibility of a lesbian who does not identify as a woman, and I don’t feel ostracised or treated differently because I am non-binary.
However, in a lot of real-world spaces, I know there are many cis binary queer people who do not “agree with” or “believe in” non-binary or trans identities. There has been a lot of talk in the past few months about dropping the ’T’ from LGBTQ+, since apparently trans issues have nothing to do with sexuality issues? I don’t agree with this at all. The whole point of the LGBTQ+ community (for me at least) is to provide a space for anyone who does not fit in with “societal norms” according to their sexuality, gender, or genetics. I know so many people who are like me in that they’re both not-straight and not-cis.
However, I choose to only surround myself with people who will understand and uplift my identities. I feel very certain about who I am, and I know that I firmly belong in the LGBTQ+ community, no matter what anyone else says. I hope that, by speaking openly about these issues and my journey and identities, I can help create a community that is fully accepting of everyone.
I would love to see non-binary lives and identities be fully integrated into society. That means gender-neutral restroom options. Having a ‘non-binary’ option on forms, people openly sharing their pronouns (whether cis or trans); increasing access to trans-competent healthcare providers, and so, so much more.
I would love to see more people get comfortable with the possibility of fluid genders, and of spaces that float between and around the binary. The identity label ‘non-binary’ encompasses so many different experiences, there is no one way to be non-binary. This means you have to be open-minded when thinking about non-binary identities, which not everyone is.
I would love to see more non-binary people (from all different backgrounds and experiences) be recognised and shouted out and affirmed. I would love to see more non-binary characters written in TV shows and movies. It needs to be normalised that more than just the man/woman binary exists, because then young people growing up can have role models who help them recognise and accept their own identities. I wish I had that when I was younger.
A lot needs to change, but we’re getting closer. The fact that I can openly live in my non-binary identity and feel proud of who I am means we’re getting somewhere . A few years ago, I didn’t even know what non-binary meant! The fact that you’re reading this blog post right now and (hopefully) learning more about non-binary identities means we are on the right path.
Instagram: @zoestoller
How do you identify yourself? An androgynous and butch lesbian
Age? I like to keep my age on the down low
Country of residence? USA
Relationship status? In a relationship
Androgynous means that when the average person looks at someone they see qualities associated with both male and female genders, or are unable to mentally determine a person’s most likely gender. This could be set physical characteristics like facial features or bone structure, it could be something changeable like hair, clothing, tattoos, or something else entirely. Androgyny is something that you know when you see it.
The most annoying stigma is being misgendered as male while buying feminine products, it’s always annoying or embarrassing no matter how many times it happens just because of the awkwardness. I’ve also been looked over for various jobs I’ve interviewed for based on my appearance and presentation. Some stigmas that don’t tend to bother me are certain looks from people, whether it’s a confused look or an intrigued look.
I’ve been able to find a community in androgynous modelling. A lot of creatives here in Los Angeles have a fascination with androgyny and want to make art with me. I’ve been able to explore masculinity and femininity here in LA in ways I couldn’t earlier in my life. I’ve also encountered a lot of people who are specifically attracted to androgynous people which helps on the dating side.
Most of the time, yes. There is a small subset of the community that believes, masculine-of-centre women, butches, studs, and androgynous women in some way oppress femmes and feminine-presenting women. Or that women who dress in mens clothing have some kind of male privilege just based on presentation. I’ve even seen one person say that masculine presenting women are more likely to abuse other women than feminine presenting women.
Not many people say things like that, but the very few people who think that way certainly make gender non-conforming people feel less safe. I think it’s internalised misogyny. Small subsets of the LGBTQ+ community sometimes feel the need to exclude other people instead of accepting and welcoming everyone. It’s not just an issue for gender non-confirming women. Bisexual people, transgender people, non-binary people, lesbians, lots of people in our community have experienced it and it’s unfortunate.
I think even the queer community can be guilty of judging a book by its cover. Just because someone’s androgynous doesn’t mean that their personality has to be a perfect combination of feminine and masculine qualities. Appearance doesn’t dictate sexuality, interests, dislikes, or anything really. I would love to see a queer community where people talk to each other before making assumptions.
Instagram: @_amyo__
How do you identify yourself? Non-binary, A-gender to be more specific. I use they/them pronouns and I used to identify as lesbian but at the moment I’m still figuring that out.
Age? 21
Country of residence? South Africa
Relationship status? Happily, in a relationship
I would describe my non-binary journey as finally realising who I am. Often finding myself being moulded into a binary by others and in some cases by myself. I was under the impression that I had to keep trying to fit the mould and that it was all I was allowed to be. I never liked conforming to ideas surrounding femininity, so you can imagine my excitement when I first discovered the word non-binary. One word changed my life completely. I was no longer confined to this image that I tried to live up to but just couldn’t. This realisation was one of the most impactful moments of my life so far. I still have a long way to go on the journey of self-discovery, however today I’m proud to call myself Agender.
I remember the first time I discovered the term non-binary, I was so excited and so many feelings and experiences I had, just made more sense! Finally, no more confusion! But then came a sudden wave of self-doubt. Negative comments about non-binary people on the internet made it worse. I watched a few YouTubers who were very hateful towards non-binary content creators and were of the opinion that being non-binary is a recent “trend”. It made me feel like an imposter and I avoided the topic for a while after that. However, I couldn’t stray away from my truth for long. I began reading up on non-binary identities again and discovered that there is a long history behind non-binary identities. It’s so harmful to try and police other people’s gender identities, it’s a personal experience and no one can tell you that your gender is a “trend”
I feel that accepting that I’m non-binary has allowed me to accept myself as a whole. It has hushed the voice in my head that used to constantly “keep me in check”. The voice used to tell me to dress a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way. It felt awkward and I couldn’t understand why. In a group of female friends, I was the odd one out, I just couldn’t relate. Now I know I don’t have to and it’s such a relief! I feel less out of place, like I found a term that makes me feel like I really do belong.
It depends on which circles you travel in. On the surface it doesn’t always seem accepting, the hate in the community has scared me off for a while but then I discovered that there’s an entire part of the community that is super welcoming and accepting and I’ve met the most interesting and influential people through queer spaces online.
I would like to see people, lose the image of a specific look for non-binary people. Gender expression does not equal gender identity. If I dress slightly less androgynous than usual it doesn’t change who I am. I am still non-binary, I am still Agender. A dress doesn’t make me a woman and a suit doesn’t make me a man.
Instagram: @Llemon_boi
We hope you have enjoyed reading the stories of so many different people within our community over the past month. It has been so inspiring for us to connect with all these incredible people.
Please make sure you go and follow all the amazing people mentioned, as well as checking out all the previous posts. ‘The Trans Community’, ‘Pansexual & Bisexual‘ as well as the ‘Gay and Lesbian’ community.
I currently live in London, working all over the UK as a performer and a presenter. I have a passion for writing and love sharing my experiences with others.
I currently live in London, working all over the UK as a performer and a presenter. I have a passion for writing and love sharing my experiences with others.
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