As many of you know, I (Marthe) am Dutch. Tash & I met each other in January 2019 in Bali and fell in love. If you want to know more about our love story, have a look here and here. This post is about me finding my way in a different country with a different culture in the Big City of London. Sometimes asking myself the question, “Is our love enough?”
After falling in love we went into a Long Distance Relationship, hence the name Breaking the Distance. Tash went back to London and I went back to Amsterdam. Shortly after that we agreed, I was going to move to London. Why? Do you ask? I had been living in Amsterdam for over 10 years. I felt like London could be an amazing city to move to. Things were changing at work with my department on the verge of closing. I knew the English language and I wanted to explore a new career path that didn’t involve nursing. Tash was performing a lot and she couldn’t do that so easily in Holland.
We made a deal. I would move to London for a few years and then we would move back to Holland. I am a big family person and I can’t be without my friends and family for long. Tash has friends all over the world and her hometown Plymouth is already far away from London. But we had a deal and were both really excited for the future.
When I think back now I was quite naive in thinking that being with Tash would solve every problem in my world. That our love would fulfill me all the time, that I would find a job easily and that we would live happily ever after. Don’t get me wrong, I can tell you now that it was all worth it, but it is not the fairytale that you see in movies.
I quit my job and moved out of the apartment I had lived in for 10 years. Doing all of that was really emotional, that was my home, my little apartment in Amsterdam. It’s also where Tash and I spent a lot of time together, so many memories! Tash was amazing, helping me pack, allowing me to be emotional and sentimental. Fortunately the apartment went to my brother, so it’s not gone forever.
I said goodbye to my friends and family in December 2019 and flew to London. It all felt amazing and super exciting! Going on an adventure. Sad, yes to say goodbye but also ok, knowing that London was only a 45 min flight or 4.5 hour train journey away.
Just 3 weeks later we were flying to Asia to travel for 10 weeks! So there was no need to build a life, find a job etc. In the beginning everything was a novelty, waking up together every day, doing the small things like shopping, the things we never got to do as a LDR couple.
We travelled to Asia for 10 weeks, which was incredible. On March 1st (our anniversary), I asked Tash to marry me in the same place we met. And you know it, she said yes!!!
I don’t want to talk too much about Covid-19 and the pandemic but I can’t skip it, because it changed everything. On the day we got back to the UK, lockdown was announced. We arrived in our flip flops, no one at the airport, the supermarket was empty and yes indeed there was no toilet paper! We went straight back to our apartment, without a car and without our dog Ted, (he was in Plymouth with Tash’s parents).
In the beginning we were quite chilled, enjoying being back home, not having to rush back into everyday life. But we were also broke, spending everything on traveling and both now without work. All Tash’s work depended on shows which were cancelled and she couldn’t do her real life PT sessions. I was totally lost, I wanted to help as a nurse but I didn’t have the right papers to work in the UK.
I tried to contact different people to see if there was a possibility to skip the long admin route but it was not possible. With no work, nothing to do, missing my friends and family a lot, I started to lose myself. Not knowing when I could see them again. Tash on the contrary was working her ass off, hustling for work she could do. I think those few months were the most challenging we have had to go through as a couple.
I never realised how important it is to keep your own identity when you move countries. So many things that were normal for me changed. Not having my work identity as a nurse. I underestimated how much I would miss helping people and the feeling of contributing something to society (the pandemic made that feeling even worse). Not having my friends and family to have weekly dinners/drinks with and zoom was definitely not my thing… I didn’t have the freedom to cycle around the city, go to the shops and places I knew. Tash was and felt like my everything, I know that is not healthy but at the time she was the only thing that was familiar. The apartment didn’t feel like my home yet, I started to get into a cycle of resenting my decision to move and from time to time resenting Tash.
This was a big strain on our relationship. Tash was stressed too because she was trying to provide for us and to be the strong one. I was in tears almost every day and it was tough. We deal with emotions very differently, I am very expressive and Tash holds it in and tries to push through. This resulted in friction, arguments and fights. Sometimes it would get so bad, I would scream about moving back to Holland. Something had to change, we went to Plymouth for a few weeks.
Being in nature and having more space helped. We stayed with Tash’s parents, the social side was also amazing. I was still struggling though, not knowing when I could go back to Holland and see my family. Then BML happened and we went through another layer of our relationship we hadn’t experienced before. In short, it was a lot. We always tried to communicate well, stay honest, respectful and supportive. In the end the travel restrictions were lifted and we could travel to Holland. We stayed for a few months and I worked as a nurse. All my problems were ‘temporarily’ gone.
After a few months of being in Holland we went back to the UK. Everything looked much brighter, I was convinced I was going to make it this time! I signed up for a Yoga Teacher Course and a Doula Course. I also desperately tried to find work. Spending every day on Linkedin, writing tons of motivational letters, updating my CV. Unable to do nursing work, I applied for: dog walking, baby sitting, social media stuff, translating work, customer service, carer, covid tester and so much more! I was so desperate, happy to take anything, but this really isn’t the right motivation.
I couldn’t open a bank account, they weren’t giving out any national insurance numbers, (which gives you the right to work in the UK). Because of Covid everything was more difficult, it felt like the world was against me.
I started my Yoga Teacher Training and I LOVED it. I had been practicing yoga for about 10 years and I fell in love with learning more and teaching. I thought the Doula training would really fit me, but in the end it was very different to what I expected. As a nurse I took a medical approach and wanted to know more about anatomy/physiology. In a way it also taught me that I actually really love being a nurse and who knows, maybe I will be a midwife some day.
Tash was always so supportive, she never pushed me to find work, always telling me I could do whatever I loved to do. This gave me the freedom to really find my own path and not to be pushed into a job I wouldn’t like. By the end of October Boris announced a third lockdown. I still didn’t have a job and decided I would fly to Holland that same week, to work as a nurse. We had also just planned our wedding for the next year, so we needed money lol. It meant Tash and I were going to be apart for 6 weeks! Our longest separation yet.
In the beginning of April 2021 I moved back to London. The UK was slowly opening up again, I had my Yoga certificate in my pocket, ready to take on London for the third time. This time I was so much calmer, I set my intentions, practised my Buddhism and Yoga daily.
Already in the first week of me being there things started shifting. I got my own bank account, applied for my pre settled status and it was Spring! I quickly got a job as a translator, but it ended up being a soul crushing job lol. Calling people and convincing them to take a 30 min survey. Two weeks into that job I applied for a receptionist job at a yoga studio and got it. Secretly hoping that I could teach there as well. It got me out of the house, going into central London by myself for the first time.
Tash was super busy as well, having tons of work, I worked 5 days a week and our schedules happened to be opposite. This was the first time we had to navigate our way as a couple in everyday life. This was actually harder than expected, not having time for each other, feeling tired and arguing about the little things. We pushed ourselves a lot and there was a strain on our relationship. In the end we had a massive fight, but after that we also had an amazing conversation. Both of us were able to be honest and vulnerable. Since then it has been so much better. We are making time for each other and we also know each other so well. We can give space when we need to and treat one another with greater calmness and compassion.
It is now August 19th 2021, 2 months until our wedding, eeeekk!!! I now feel like I have a life here, I feel more like I have an identity. I love my life with Tash so much. Now Covid just needs to F* off so I can travel to Holland regularly. I am starting to see the possibilities as a freelancer, as a yoga teacher and the life I want to live with Tash. The only thing I miss is friends, I find it hard to make real connections here. Everyone seems to have a busy social life already, but slowly and steadily I am starting to make connections.
It’s funny, I never felt like a real Dutchie, more like a traveler who could live anywhere. I have realised over the past 18 months that I am so Dutch, I love my country, I love my culture and I am proud to be Dutch. Nonetheless I do love England too! I love the humor, I love crazy London, I love the nature, the accent and of course the hottest person in the world; Tash!
In the next blog I will be writing a top ten list with all the tips and tricks for people who are moving to a new country, who are in a similar situation, such as being in a long distance relationship and moving for love. Thank you for reading, if you have any questions or feedback, do reach out! You can find us on IG: @_breakingthedistance.
Originally from Amsterdam, I am now living in London with Tash, after we finally ‘Broke the Distance’. I love travelling and want to visit as many places as possible.
Originally from Amsterdam, I am now living in London with Tash, after we finally ‘Broke the Distance’. I love travelling and want to visit as many places as possible.
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